Answer: Life sucks, Job sucks and Wife doesn’t.

An elephant asked a camel, ‘Why are your breasts on your back?’


‘Well,’ said the camel, ‘I think that’s an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.’

(moral of the story: DO NOT judge others..)

A hippie gets on a  bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down  next to her, and asks her:  ”Can we have sex?”

“No,” she replies,  ”I’m married to  God.” She stands up, and gets off at the next  stop.

The bus driver, who overheard,  turns to the  hippie and says:  
“I  can tell you how to get to  have sex with her!”

“Yeah?”, says the  hippie.

“Yeah!”, say the bus driver.  ”She goes to  the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray,  so all you have to do is dress up in a robe  with a hood,  put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop  up in the cemetery  claiming to be God.”

The hippie decides  to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the  next Tuesday night.

“I am God,” he  declares to the nun,  keeping the hood low about his face.  ”Have sex with  me.”

The nun agrees without question, but  begs him to  restrict himself to anal sex, as she is  desperate not to lose her  Virginity.

‘God’ agrees, and  promptly has his wicked way with her. As he  finishes,  he jumps  up and throws back his hood with a  Flourish.

“Ha-ha,” he cries. “I’m  the  hippie!”

“Ha-ha,” cries the nun.  ”I’m the bus  driver!

Answer: A crazy bitch who will find you!

He said: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it……. She said: You wear pants don’t you?

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight? …….. She said: That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?……. She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?……… She said: We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?…….. She said: They already have boyfriends.

He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?…….. She said: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

(Great collection of jokes can be found here..)

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’


MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine..
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake..

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

• Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
• Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
• If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
• Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
• Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
• Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
• Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
• Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
• Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
• Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and java cake body wash.
• Rinse conditioner off hair.
• Shave armpits and legs.
• Turn off shower.
• Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
• Spray mold spots with Tilex.
• Get out of shower.
• Dry with towel the size of a small country.
• Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
• Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

• Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
• Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.
• Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
• Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
• Get in the shower.
• Wash your face.
• Wash your armpits.
• Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
• Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
• Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
• Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
• Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
• Pee.
• Rinse off and get out of shower.
• Partially dry off.
• Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
• Admire wiener size in mirror again .
• Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
• Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
• If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
• Throw wet towel on her pillow.

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’ 

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

‘You got Male!

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
“If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
“If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself.”

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day: If men would just listen