What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
Answer: Life sucks, Job sucks and Wife doesn’t.

Answer: Life sucks, Job sucks and Wife doesn’t.
An elephant asked a camel, ‘Why are your breasts on your back?’
‘Well,’ said the camel, ‘I think that’s an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.’
(moral of the story: DO NOT judge others..)
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: ”Can we have sex?”
“No,” she replies, ”I’m married to God.” She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
“I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!”
“Yeah?”, says the hippie.
“Yeah!”, say the bus driver. ”She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.”
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
“I am God,” he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. ”Have sex with me.”
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her Virginity.
‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a Flourish.
“Ha-ha,” he cries. “I’m the hippie!”
“Ha-ha,” cries the nun. ”I’m the bus driver!
Answer: A crazy bitch who will find you!
He said: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it……. She said: You wear pants don’t you?
He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight? …….. She said: That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?……. She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?……… She said: We don’t know; it has never happened.
He said: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?…….. She said: They already have boyfriends.
He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?…….. She said: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
(Great collection of jokes can be found here..)
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine..
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake..

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’
The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

‘You got Male!
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
“If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
“If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself.”
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.
Thought For the Day: If men would just listen
Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup… just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above, sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”
“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.”
“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”
“Forty-four,” she replied.