This is 1 Nation

Answer: Life sucks, Job sucks and Wife doesn’t.

An elephant asked a camel, ‘Why are your breasts on your back?’


‘Well,’ said the camel, ‘I think that’s an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.’

(moral of the story: DO NOT judge others..)

A hippie gets on a  bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down  next to her, and asks her:  ”Can we have sex?”

“No,” she replies,  ”I’m married to  God.” She stands up, and gets off at the next  stop.

The bus driver, who overheard,  turns to the  hippie and says:  
“I  can tell you how to get to  have sex with her!”

“Yeah?”, says the  hippie.

“Yeah!”, say the bus driver.  ”She goes to  the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray,  so all you have to do is dress up in a robe  with a hood,  put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop  up in the cemetery  claiming to be God.”

The hippie decides  to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the  next Tuesday night.

“I am God,” he  declares to the nun,  keeping the hood low about his face.  ”Have sex with  me.”

The nun agrees without question, but  begs him to  restrict himself to anal sex, as she is  desperate not to lose her  Virginity.

‘God’ agrees, and  promptly has his wicked way with her. As he  finishes,  he jumps  up and throws back his hood with a  Flourish.

“Ha-ha,” he cries. “I’m  the  hippie!”

“Ha-ha,” cries the nun.  ”I’m the bus  driver!

Answer: A crazy bitch who will find you!

He said: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it……. She said: You wear pants don’t you?

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight? …….. She said: That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?……. She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?……… She said: We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?…….. She said: They already have boyfriends.

He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?…….. She said: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

(Great collection of jokes can be found here..)

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’


MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine..
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake..